Dominion of New York



Satire

July 19, 2012
 

The Ten Commandments, According to George Zimmerman

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Written by: Kelly Virella
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Photo courtesy of Flickr/Ann Althouse

This is satire.

A

fter appearing last night on Sean Hannity and proclaiming that it was “God’s plan” for him to kill Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman held a press conference today to announce the release of his new book, The Ten Commandments, According to George Zimmerman. He showed reporters the table of contents and promised that the book would back up his interpretations with scriptural references.

Table of Contents

  1. Thou shalt have no other gods — God makes exceptions to this one. He said he was a jealous god, but really — he’s fine with open relationships. Monotheism is really just an afterthought of Judaism and Christianity.
  2. No graven images or likenesses — What he meant was don’t make graven images or likenesses of him, but if you worship other gods, idols of them are fine.
  3. Not take the LORD’s name in vain — Obviously, goshdarnit, gotdangit, goddammit and “I swear to god” are not a big deal.
  4. Remember the sabbath day — Well, is it Saturday or Sunday? I’m not really sure which day it is. Either way, it interferes with football during NFL season.
  5. Honour thy father and thy mother — Hey, if they want my respect they have to earn it. I don’t go around honouring people who don’t deserve it.
  6. Thou shalt not kill — This one was amended by Florida’s Stand Your Ground law, which says that if you believe you’re in grave fear of mortal danger,  it’s god’s plan for you to kill.
  7. Thou shalt not commit adultery — Yeah, but there’s nothing wrong with a little spiritual wife side action, if  you know what I mean.
  8. Thou shalt not steal — No. No. No. This is not a blanket prohibition. It’s not stealing if you need it, unless you’re black. Then it’s stealing.
  9. Thou shalt not bear false witness — Except during bond hearings. This is the one time when you’re allowed to underreport your income.
  10. Thou shalt not covet — Seriously, how do you stop yourself from checking out your cousin? Let’s not pretend that we’re not all doing it.


This is satire.

 



About the Author

Kelly Virella
Kelly Virella lives in an East Harlem walk-up with her husband, her bicycle and her books. She's worked as a journalist for 11 years and started this website during the summer of 2011. She fell in love with New York City during her first visit here as a 16-year-old and finally made good on her promise to move here in April 2010.



 
 

 
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