Dominion of New York



Satire

May 17, 2012
 

Now That Our Kids Are the Majority, These Are Our Demands

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Written by: Kelly Virella
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Photo courtesy of Flickr/thelampnyc

A

merica awoke this morning to the news that whites are losing their grip on the ballot box even faster than predicted. By 2015, more than half of the babies born in the United States were supposed to be children of color. But the census bureau says it happened almost 5 years earlier, in July 2010, when 50.4 percent of one-year-olds were either black, Latino, Asian-American or otherwise colored. Bwahahaha! This is going to be interesting!

Hallelujah that white supremacy has two fatal flaws: 1) it’s architects can’t control anyone’s birth rates and 2) it’s architects can’t control immigration. Yes! #GetOverIt.

Now that our kids are the majority, we have some demands. Don’t worry. They’re totally reasonable.

For one thing, we want to dominate all branches of government at all levels. I’m talking like 90 percent, just like whites do now. That’s right — we want to fill every office with our mayors, governors, state legislators, and congresspeople, most judges, justices, and presidential cabinet members, and yes — all presidents. Juries too. No whites allowed. They might be biased. We also want dominance in private industry and education. Speaking of schools, yeah, black studies, chicano studies, ethnic studies, uh, that’s gonna be required now. Here’s a reading list for black studies to help you get started. It was really awesome learning so much about Charlemagne and Avignon and French history in general. But in the interest of time, we’re gonna focus a bit more on our history. Corporate welfare? Great idea. I think we’ll have our businesses get involved in that. Don’t worry. We’ll set aside some food stamps for whites — that is if quotas are Constitutional. (We’ll have to check on that.)

Education overall is a mess. So we’re gonna be taking a look at the distribution of tax dollars to schools and school districts to make sure our kids get a fair share. Maybe we’ll move the resources to our schools and keep in place your system of segregation. Just kidding. We wouldn’t screw you like  that. But the SAT will be in Spanish only. And I’m afraid that we’re gonna have to change the tax code. Yeah, a steep death tax will help us redistribute some of the money you inherited from that awesome system your ancestors set up and/or benefited from — the one where mine worked for free. We’re gonna make special efforts to find the descendants of slave masters and take everything they now have. Thanks!

Also, the  criminal justice system is just not working for us. We noticed that whites do a lot of drugs, but rarely do time for it. Not sure what direction we’ll go in with that policy. Possibly something to punish them retroactively. We’ll keep you posted.

Oh, and, um, we’re gonna open up the borders — only to Asian, South American and African countries — of course. Wanna accelerate our achievement of total domination.

In the meantime, we have some other smaller, but irritating things that need to change.

  1. No more penalties for excessive endzone celebration. #GetOverIt that’s how we celebrate.
  2. No more marginalization of our speech, dialects and slang. Thanks for the standard English education. We’ll take it from here.
  3. No more theft and misappropriation of our music and culture. When you’re a minority, your culture will be exotic. Make your own.
  4. No more denials of racist motivations for racist acts. Who do you think you’re fooling?
  5. No more all white movie casts and TV shows. Sorry, but that stuff just isn’t gonna sell.

Got a problem with this? This is capitalism and democracy — all of this will happen through the legislative process or through the markets. When we once complained about things, you said it was a white Christian country and we had to live by your rules. You said, “Go back to Africa.” You preach the superiority of Europe. Perhaps you should take your own advice. Greece is crumblingcalling.

 



About the Author

Kelly Virella
Kelly Virella lives in an East Harlem walk-up with her husband, her bicycle and her books. She's worked as a journalist for 11 years and started this website during the summer of 2011. She fell in love with New York City during her first visit here as a 16-year-old and finally made good on her promise to move here in April 2010.



 
 

 
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